


Inhale

by Golden_Asp



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Gift Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Ignoct Secret Santa 2017, M/M, Post Altissia, Post Game, Regret, minor episode Ignis spoilers (main path)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 22:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13110192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golden_Asp/pseuds/Golden_Asp
Summary: They couldn't change it.  They could only regret, and try to make the most of what they were given.  They could only breathe.





	Inhale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> My secret santa gift for Akiko Natsuko. They asked for angst, hurt/comfort, and maybe regret over things that can't be changed. I hope you enjoy this and that I got what you wanted!
> 
> Merry Christmas
> 
> My thanks to Iselia for beta reading this

Inhale.

One breath, two, three, four.

Noctis breathed with him, sitting on the edge of the bed and concentrating on the rise and fall of Ignis’ chest. It meant Ignis was alive.

The air rushing into Noct’s lungs reminded him that he was alive with every breath.

Every inhale hurt. Every exhale was a stifled sob.

He looked down at Ignis, curled on his side, left side up. He used to be a stomach sleeper, but Noctis hadn’t seen him sleep like that since he’d woken in Altissia.

Noctis’ eyes ran over the scars on Ignis’ face. What had happened? Ignis wouldn’t tell him. It was the same response every time he asked.

_A small sacrifice in the greater battle._

Gladio wouldn’t tell him. He wasn’t sure Gladio knew, but the nasty looks his shield gave him made him think that maybe he did, and most likely Ignis had asked him not to tell.

He brushed his fingers through Ignis’ hair, just wanting to feel those silky strands between his fingers.

They hadn’t touched much since Altissia. Ignis always found a way to gently disengage from him, using his cane almost like shield.

It had been since he had woken up in Altissia, and Ignis had begged him to stop their journey. Noctis hadn’t understood it at all. Ignis of all people shouldn’t have been the one to want to stop.

It hurt. He just wanted Ignis to hold him, tell him everything was going to be okay.

That he was making the right choice by continuing on.

He knew that it was the right choice. He had no choice. Ignis had supported him since he had decided to continue to Gralea.

It was going to be okay. They were going to be okay.

He only needed to look at Ignis to know it wasn’t going to be okay. He only needed to feel the weight of the Ring of the Lucii in his pocket to know that the world would never be right again.

His fingers brushed the scar over Ignis’ left eye. The skin was smooth and hard, that eye forever shut.

He traced the edges of the scar, studying Ignis in way the other man hadn’t permitted since before Altissia. Ignis had lost weight. They all had, honestly.

Ignis couldn’t cook, and Noctis blinked back tears. Would he ever be able to cook again? 

Noct wiped his face, sniffing quietly.

Ignis was so strong. Noctis hadn’t seen him cry once since it happened. All Noctis wanted to do was curl in the corner and scream and sob and throw things.

He wanted his dad. He wanted his dad to sit next to him and put his arm around him and tell him it was all right to cry, that it was okay not to want to go forward anymore.

He wanted Luna to smile at him, to write in their book and tell him what was happening in Tenebrae. He wanted her to be alive, even if he hadn’t really wanted to marry her.

He wanted Prompto to laugh again. He was so serious now, always ready to help Ignis but not overwhelming the blind man.

He wanted Gladio to be proud of him, just once.

Noctis looked down at Ignis, his fingers still tracing the scar. 

He just wanted Ignis back. He missed his smile, his laugh, his kisses. 

Noctis leaned over, biting back a sob. Tears rolled down his cheeks, falling onto Ignis’ face and rolling over the scar like a river over stone. He couldn’t hold it in anymore.

He sobbed brokenly, face buried in Ignis’ hair, fingers tangled in Ignis’ shirt.

Gods, he wished they had never gone to Altissia. He wished he could go back in time and change it but he couldn’t. He had tried.

Gentiana had let him go back into her Astral memories and gods knew he had clung to Ignis and tried to get them to not go to Altissia, but it hadn’t mattered. 

It had already happened. He couldn’t change it and he never would be able to. The ring was a heavy weight in his pocket, burning against his thigh. He lied to himself by going back. It was an escape.

But he had told Ignis, hadn’t he? He had told Ignis that he had to keep going because if they stopped…everyone’s sacrifices would mean nothing. He had never felt as angry at Ignis as he had in that moment.

They couldn’t give up! They couldn’t.

He hadn’t been able to see Ignis’ face when they had had that conversation, but he could remember the way Ignis’ shoulders had hunched, how low and sad his voice had been.

_We will help you bear your burdens._

Noctis sobbed, breathing raggedly. Sleep had been hard to come by on the train. The strain between the four of them was eating away at him. His emotions were frayed. He started when he felt gloved fingers touch his face.

“Noct?” Ignis whispered.

Noctis let out a sob and threw himself into Ignis’ arms.

“Please, please, Iggy! Don’t send me away again! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he cried.

Ignis sighed, wrapping his arms around Noct. Noctis crawled into his lap, sobbing into Ignis’ shoulders. Ignis rocked back and forth, holding Noctis tightly.

Ignis rested his right cheek on Noct’s head. His right eye was open, not that it made a difference.

“I thought it would be easier for you,” Ignis whispered to the room. “I thought it would be too hard to carry on as we were before…”

Noctis pulled back slightly, looking at Ignis in horror. He smacked Ignis’ chest. “It’s _never_ easier without you, Ignis! I love you!”

Ignis was silent a moment. “I know,” he said quietly. “And I love you, Noctis.”

“Then stop pushing me away!”

Ignis swallowed. He lifted his hand and ran his fingers over Noct’s face, tracing each plane and ridge, the fine hairs of his eyebrows, his nose, his lips. The sensations were muted because of his gloves.

He hadn’t taken his gloves off in front of Noctis since…

Noctis wanted to feel his bare hands on him, and Ignis froze when he felt Noct’s fingers tug at the fastenings around his wrist.

The right hand was fine. He could feel Noct’s fingers tracing knuckles, far more pronounced than they had been.

The left hand…

He had only seen it with the power of the ring as it devoured his sight. He knew it was ugly. 

Noctis frowned when he finally pulled the left glove off. It looked like he had been burned by something, although it was unlike any burn he had ever seen; white and veined and almost…pulsing. The scar started at his middle finger, twisting up his wrist and disappearing under his sleeve.

“Ignis…” Noctis whispered, turning his hand over and looking at the palm. Ignis tried to pull his hand back, searching for his glove. Noct grabbed it, tracing the scars.

“I…what happened?”

Ignis turned his head, hair falling forward over his face.

“A small—”

“Ignis.”

“It’s fine, Noctis,” Ignis whispered. “It’s done.”

Noctis felt angry tears in his eyes. He threw Ignis’ gloves aside and grabbed his face, ignoring Ignis’ startled gasp and crushing their lips together.

Ignis closed his eye, burning with tears. He was tense for a moment, before giving in to Noct’s insistent lips.

“It’s not fine,” Noctis growled against his lips. “You were hurt, you are hurting, and I can’t fix it.”

Ignis traced his fingers over Noct’s lips, managing a smile when Noct kissed his fingers.

“You can’t fix everything, Noct,” Ignis said quietly.

Noctis sighed, resting their foreheads together. Their breath mingled, and Ignis tangled the fingers of his left hand in Noct’s hair. Their lips grazed each other’s, tongues sliding against the others in a well-remembered dance.

Noct pushed Ignis onto his back, never breaking contact as they kissed. Fingers worked quickly, removing clothes, running over skin. Noctis stared in horror at the scars covering Ignis’ left side, ending over his heart. 

He pressed his lips against Ignis’ chest in an open mouthed kiss. Ignis arched into him, a gasp turning into a sob at the touch.

He had never thought to have Noctis touch him again.

Hurried touches slowed, each reveling in the taste, the feel, of the other. Bodies sliding together, whispered moans and stifled cries echoing in the dark train car. Ignis relearning Noct’s body without sight, and mourning that he would never see his lover again. Noctis filled with regret, somehow knowing that this was his fault. Ignis trying to chase that regret with his lips, reassuring Noctis that everything was fine, he was alive, and he would do it again and again and again if only it meant Noctis got to live.

Neither mentioned the tears rolling down their cheeks, the desperation to their touch, the echoing silence as they found completion in the other’s arms.

Noctis bent his head, kissing Ignis’ sweat slicked skin with a gentle reverence saved only for him, trying to convey to Ignis just how sorry he was that he couldn’t change it, take it back, make him perfect.

Ignis ran his fingers through Noct’s hair. There was nothing for him to apologize for.

There never would be.

The train rolled on. They would hit Cartanica in two days.

Exhale.

~FFXV~

Inhale.

One breath, two, three, four.

Each one hurts, burning in his chest, making his heart work twice as hard.

Twenty years. Countless heartbeats. Countless breaths. 

He needs a cane again. Not for stumbling blindly through a city, but for support, because walking has become harder with every passing day.

Fingers reach out, finding the effigy of his king, his Noctis.

Twenty years. Twenty years since the sun had risen again. Twenty years since Noctis had died.

Ignis whispers a hello to the statue, lowering himself to its base with a groan. He sits there, listening to the birds in the trees and the popping of fish in the nearby lake.

He had insisted on Noct’s tomb being near a lake, as he had loved fishing so much. He had insisted on it being in the open air.

The sarcophagus of the king is hit by the dawn light every morning. Ignis has never seen it, but Gladio and Prompto have described it to him. 

They say it is beautiful here.

Twenty years. Twenty years of rebuilding, of people slowly trusting that the sun will continue to rise.

Ignis thinks—hopes— Noctis would be proud of what they have done. Cor Leonis has been elected to his second term as president, Gladio and Prompto are thriving. As far as everyone knows, Ignis thrives.

It is a lie. He regrets much. He knows Noctis had wanted him to experience the dawn, and Ignis is thankful for each sunrise, but he wishes he had died in the city those twenty years ago.

He had never wanted to live in a world without Noctis. The world meant nothing without Noctis.

How many times had he contemplated ending it in the past twenty years?

More times than he could count.

He runs his fingers over the scars on his face, remembering.

The ring didn’t just steal his sight. The price was always a life. Ignis has been living on borrowed time since he slammed the ring onto his finger. 

Every heartbeat hurts. Every breath burns life from his body.

He comes here every year on this day. Gladio had driven him for the past five years, and without complaint he had picked Ignis up that morning. The drive had been long and silent, comfortable between them.

Ignis had touched Gladio’s shoulder, thanking him once again for driving him out there. Gladio had told him he’d be back in a couple hours. It was only as he was driving away that Gladio had frowned.

Why had that seemed like a goodbye?

Ignis closes his eye as he feels the sun strike his face, warming him.

Each breath hurts, each heartbeat is a measure of time.

He only wants to be with Noctis.

Inhale.

One breath, two, three, four.

Exhale.

Pause.

Inhale.

Heart pounding under his breast.

Exhale.

Inhale.

_“Noctis.”_

Exhale.

 

Silence.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are love.


End file.
